Final Fantasy XIII2: Crack Romance
by nopieghost2
Summary: nopieghost2 tries out his hand at the wackiest, most nonsensical romance he can find in the FFXIII-2 universe! Ongoing collection of short stories. Feel free to request crack pairings in the reviews!
1. Chapter 1

CactuarxChichu Act 1

Chichu: Cactuar... your personality is as prickly as a cactus.

Cactuar: Chichu...

Chichu: But I still love you. In spite of all the 1000 hardships we went through, all those Needles we had to endure, my Bravery Feeder in you is eternal.

Cactuar: And I love you too, Chichu. I would Deprotect Chaser you until the end of time...

Yomi: Why no one love meh? :(

CactuarxChichu Act 2

Cactuar: Chichu... we've had such good times together but...

Chichu: What's wrong?

Cactuar: I'm sorry... I need a real woman... I've decided to propose to Cactuarina.

Chichu: What? What about everything we had? The prom, the ring, the baby, the abortion...

Cactuar: It was fun... but Cactuarina is my new love.

Chichu: Fine! I'll get a better man! You were never good in bed anyways! Ochu is way sexier than you!

*Chichu cries and runs away*

UltrosxSerahxNoel

Ultros: I HATE MUSCLE-HEADS LIKE YOU!

Serah: Well, excuse me!

Noel: Ew, you're way too buff for my tastes!

Serah: Huh?

Ultros: FEMALE BODYBUILDERS ARE ICKY ICKY LEMON SQUICKY!

Noel: Like, who would want to **** that?

Serah: You don't know until you try.

*Then the screen blacks out as Serah guides them to a dark, desolate room


	2. Chapter 2

NoelxLightning

Noel: How do you know who I am?

Lightning: I've been watching you from Valhalla...

Noel: You've been... watching me?

Lightning: Yes... I love the way your sleek, robust biceps lift those swords and cut those behemoths... how your muscled thighs tense when you chase a goblin, seeking a kill...

Noel: What else have you seen?

Lightning: I have seen Yeul. You love her.

Noel: ...

Lightning: But you can't have her now. It's too late.

Noel: ...I miss her...

Lightning: I know you do. But you have me. Here.

Noel: Is it safe? Should we not be on the run?

Lightning: There is no need to run. We have eachother now...

*Lightning drops Noel beneath her and gazes into his eyes with desire...*

*Caius shows up from afar with a camcorder and gains a nosebleed*

SkyxAirship

Sky: Airship? Have you come to me again?

Airship: Yes! Our love shall never perish! There are those who wish to split us apart, but we shall always unite again!

Sky: Oh, Airship! Who are these who attempt to shatter our love, to destroy our faithful bond?

Airship: Square Enix... they are removing me from Final Fantasy! They are trying to end our relationship!

Sky: Those bastards!

Airship: Don't worry. I snuck into Type-0. We can stay together forever, regardless of what others may say about our forbidden love!

*Sky and Airship embrace and kiss*

ChichuxCactuar Act 3

Act 3

Chichu: Ochu!

Ochu: What are you doing, little Chichu?

Chichu: Just wait for a second...

Ochu: Uh, Chichu? Why are you unzipping my pants?

Chichu: It's... just an experiment...

*meanwhile*

Cactuarina: I'm, like soooo glad you got rid of that annoying Chichu. Her hair was a mess. And she's sooo overweight. Like, ugh! Am I right?

Cactuar: Umm, yeah, sure.

Cactuarina: But now you got me and my sexy thorny little body! We are suchhhh a hotter pair! Like, who would even date that ugly Chichu anyways? It's awesome you dumped her fat roundness for me!

Cactuar: ...

Cactuarina: Show me those 1000 Needles of yours, baby!

MogxLongGui

Mog: Wow... I know you said on your online dating profile that you were big, but... you're HUGE!

Long Gui: *chuckle* I AM pretty big, I must say! I like cute little things like you. Other Long Guis... they just crib my style.

Mog: I read that you enjoyed reading books...?

Long Gui: Oh yeah. I read Game of Thrones and Harry Potter. You?

Mog: Twilight! I like to imagine that I'm Bella and that hot werewolf is chasing after me.

Long Gui: Sorry... but I don't think this relationship is going to work out.

NoelxYeulxCaius

Yeul: Noel. You have returned.

Noel: What's up, guys?

Caius: ...we have something to tell you.

Noel: Huh?

Yeul: I saw what you did with Lightning in the other realm. I saw your passionate kiss, your zealous love...

Noel: No! You misunderstand! I was drunk! I didn't know what I was doing! It was rape!

Caius: Save your lies. We know you have betrayed Yeul.

Yeul: That is why...

*Yeul wraps her hands around Caius's muscular arm*

Yeul: I have chosen a new beloved.

Noel: No! You have to give me a chance!

Caius: ...there is one way you can prove yourself.

Noel: What is it, Caius? I'll do anything!

Caius: Shall we do it, Yeul?

Yeul: We shall.

*Yeul takes Noel and lies on his body. Caius bends down and lies on them both. Then the screen fades in to the sound of bestial moaning...


	3. Chapter 3

VanillexSerah

Vanille: Serah... you haven't been to the beach in a long time, have you?

Serah: No... I don't have the time anymore. I need to help Light around the house. She takes care of me so much...

Vanille: Huh?

Serah: My sister, Lightning. She's the breadwinner of the family. I haven't gotten my degree in teaching yet, so right now I just cook and clean at home to prepare for Light. She's such a hard worker.

Vanille: What does she do?

Serah: She works in the military. My sister... she's very strict.

Vanille: Sounds like a hard life.

*the two are silent for a few moments*

Vanille: You must be stressed.

Serah: To be honest, I am. I'm not sure if I'll be able to pass the exam so I can teach basic elementary school math to my students.

Vanille: Sounds like you could use a massage...

Serah: Vanille! What are you doing?

Vanille: Ssshh... just be quiet and relax into this...

CaiusxChocolina

*Caius walks into Valhalla*

Chocolina: IT'S CHOCOBOCOLINA!

Caius: Who are you to stand in my way? I'm here to slay the goddess. Begone!

Chocolina: I'm Chocolina, super time-traveling salesgirl!

Caius: Ugh... telemarketers are getting even worse now days...

Chocolina: If you buy these GYASHL GREENS right now, I'll even throw in a free TOP HAT and a TOILET PAPER COUPON!

Caius: Look... I don't need any equipment. All I need is my long, thick sword, filled with raging power...

Chocolina: Ooolalala, I sure like the sound of that, chocogator!

Caius: ...

Chocolina: Psst... wanna' see what i got in my tent over there?

Caius: ...I'll indulge myself for a bit...

*Caius and Chocolina walk into the tent*

YeulxNoel

*Yeul's eyes flash brightly*

Noel: Yeul! What's wrong? Don't tell me you're having visions again!

Yeul: It's Caius...

Noel: What's happened to Caius?

Yeul: He's in Valhalla... trapped alone, with a woman...

Noel: It must be Lightning!

Yeul: No, not Lightning... this woman is a professional stripper, dressed only in the feathers of a chocobo.

Noel: What.

*Yeul continues seeing the vision*

Yeul: Oh god, that's disgusting! No, Caius don't do that! Holy s*** I can't believe what I just saw.

Noel: What happened?

Yeul: Dear lord, this is worse than watching tentacle porn...

Noel: Can I help you, Yeul?

Yeul: Oh my gosh, I need to get that terrible image out of my head.

Noel: Sure.

*Noel carries Yeul into a hot bath and they both strip*

Yeul: Ah, that's much better...

VanillexFang

Vanille: Fang! I had been looking for you!

Fang: And I have been searching for you as well... how is your brand?

*Fang rips off Vanille's clothes*

Fang: Hmm... you have time. Not much, though.

Vanille: Fang... do you think... we should tell the others about our plan?

Fang: You mean our plan to turn into Ragnarok and save the world at the last possible moment when everyone is in total despair and honestly believes they are going to die a horrible death?

Vanille: Yeah, that one.

Fang: Nah, let's keep it to ourselves ;)

Vanille: Oh, you're so kinky!

Fang: You know, that's not the only thing I've been keeping for ourselves...

*Fang strips*

Vanille: Oh, Fang! But won't the other ones hear us?

Fang: Don't worry, Hope casts Dazega on all of them. They're all dozing off right now.

Vanille: What about Hope?

Fang: Well...

*Fang opens up her lance and reveals a camera*

Vanille: You're going to record us... with that camera...

Fang: Yes. Don't worry; we'll just sell it on the internet as DLC.

Vanille: You're so kinky!

*Vanille hugs Fang and they fall upon the ground, rolling in the dirt as they have hot nasty love


	4. Chapter 4

FranxCeles

Celes: Huh? Are you an Esper?

Fran: Excuse me? Of course I'm not. Do I look useless in combat to you?

Celes: I apologize if I have offended you. What manner of creature are you?

Fran: A Viera

Celes: A very-what?

Fran: *sigh* Just call me a bunny-rabbit.

Celes: You are far too large to be a bunny rabbit. What are your combat abilities? We could use more party members to join our cause.

Fran: I am a specialist in the bow.

Celes: ...bow? What's a bow?

Fran: This thing.

*Fran shows Celes a bow*

Celes: Never seen that before. The only weapons in my game are sword, lances, knives, boomerangs, and flails. Occasionally rods and staves as well.

Fran: That... is an incredibly underwhelming array of arms.

Celes: Oh? And you're better?

Fran: Yes. In addition to the bow, I can fight with maces, greatswords, poles, guns, ninja swords, and bombs.

Celes: ...never heard of any of those. Are you sure you aren't just making that stuff up?

Fran: I'm also capable of using all forms of magic.

Celes: So? Anyone can do that if they equip an esper and go fight a bunch of goblins.

Fran: ...espers have no correlation to learned magic. You must be confused.

Celes: Confused? I was part of an experiment to infuse magical abilities into humans! I think I know magic better than some stupid bunny-rabbit who fights with fictional weapons like "bows" and "bombs".

Fran: You wanna' fight, human?

*Eiko comes out of nowhere*

Eiko: Hey, we can solve this peacefully!

*Celes looks at Fran's shapely, nimble body. Fran gazes over Cele's poorly covered chest.*

Celes: You're right, Eiko. Let's settle this somewhere... private.

Fran: And in a very... loving, soothing fashion...

Celes: Very loving...

Eiko: CAN I COME?

*Fran ponders over this*

Fran: Come along, little Summoner... I'm sure you'll enjoy my ancient Vieran arts.

Cieles: Once you go magitech, you never go back...

LightningxTerra

*Lightning is rocking it out at Etro's rave party, drunk*

Lightning: Aw yeah, I need someone to take home tonight after all these beers.

Jecht: You up for some lovin', Light?

Lightning: Out of the way, big boy.

*Lightning lifts up Jecht's body and throws it to the side*

Lightning: Yeah, over there, that girl is what I want.

Terra: Uh, hello? I'm new here. Never been to a rave party before.

Lightning: Think I can see that, honey. Looks like you could use some teaching.

Terra: If you don't mind...

Lightning: Lesson 1, you doormat. If you're still sober an hour after the party's started, something is seriously ****ed up.

Terra: ****? What's a ****? Sounds tasty.

Lightning: Lesson 2, cutie pie. Don't ****ing dye your hair green.

Terra: How did you...!

*Lightning pawnches Terra so hard that her green hair dye comes off*

Rydia: Ha! Look at that loser! You can't rock green hair like me!

Faris: You go, Light! Show that pretty girl who's boss!

Terra: What's happening to me...

*Lightning Legion of One's Terra until her blue esper blood starts squirting onto the walls*

Terra: Please! Stop! I'll do anything!

Lightning: ...anything?

Terra: Anything! Just stop! I'm too pathetic of a character to fight by myself!

Lightning: ...fine then. I know what to do with you. Hey Corneo, the back room still empty?

Don Corneo: Yeah, I just finished Garnet's sweet bod a few minutes ago. Back room's open.

Lightning: Perfect. Come here, sissy girl.

*Lightning drags Terra to Don Corneo's back room and closes it. The sound of Terra being whipped echoes even over the bad dance music*

SazhxLightningxHopexSerah

Serah: Hahaha! I have been possessed by Chaos's dark power! You're nothing to me now, Light!

Light: Serah! You don't know what's gotten into you! After Chaos violated your dead body and filled you with his evil seed, you were brought back to life as Dark Serah, the opposite of the true Serah!

Serah: You're right! I am no longer the Serah you once knew!

Hope: There has to be a way to save her!

Light: Etro did tell me something before she left... "a man sexy enough to invoke Toriyama's lust can seduce even the darkest of idiots"

Hope: The darkest of idiots... she meant Serah!

Serah: Huh?

Light: Wait a sec, sis.

*Lightning flips out her cell and calls Sazh*

Light: Like, right now... no, I don't care about your microwave... we've all been molested by Chocolina before... she did what to Dajh... just give him a naked life-size Vaniole plushie or something...okay, thanks.

Hope: What was that?

Light: He's coming any time now

*Brynhildr comes out of the sky and Sazh jumps off*

Sazh: Hellooooo ladies.

Hope: And me.

Sazh: Hellooooo ladies

Hope: *sigh*

Serah: Oh god, I've never seen a man so sexy. Not even Noel's nude body when we showered together.

Light: What.

Hope: ...I'm jealous...

Sazh: C'mon here and I'll sap all that darkness right outta' ya, baby!

*Sazh does a sexy dance as Light, Hope, and Serah begin to take off their clothes...*

NoelxYeul 2

Noel: Yeul? Is that you?

Yeul: No. I am a different Yeul from the one you once knew.

Serah: Who is this chick?

Yeul: Ah. This must be your girlfriend. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Paddra Nsu-Yeul.

Serah: Uh... I'm Serah Farron.

Noel: Hey Serah! It's a fetch quest!

Serah: OMFG WHERE

*Serah goes to search for the fetch quest*

Yeul: I do not like that woman.

Noel: Forget her. You're much more attractive.

Yeul: *blushes*

Noel: You know... I haven't seen you in thousands of years. In the future, I mean.

Yeul: To be honest... you're far more handsome than my visions revealed. You were beautiful even in my mind, but in person... you're gorgeous.

Noel: Aww, thanks!

Yeul: I'm serious. Is there anyplace nearby where we could be more... private?

Noel: What do you mean? We are in the middle of a busy Final Fantasy town. The only people watching us are brainless NPCs.

Yeul: Of course... perhaps we should get better acquainted.

Noel: Yes... we should, my long lost love...

*Noel thrusts his tongue between Yeul's lips and gives her a slow, steamy french kiss*

Yeul: Noel! This is...

Noel: Shhhh... relax, Yeul, relax...

*Noel starts to take off his shirt, then Yeul's, and massages her nude body against his own*

*Serah comes back*

Serah: Oooh, titillating!

*Serah strips, causing everyone to run away from her ugly anorexic body*

Serah: aww... I'm not THAT ugly am I?

Noel: Yes, you are. You'll never be as sexy as your hot sister Lightning was.

Serah: :(

*Noel and Yeul go back to their naughty passionate love


End file.
